Boy, I realize trying to get a job in this economy I have to have my wits working double time. A local newspaper was looking for a news reporter. I knew that was something I could do, and landed an interview. There I was folks, sitting in front of a chunky interviewer who obviously couldn’t see out of her horn-rimmed glasses as she kept her steely eyes on me by glaring over the top of them, but I ignored that by winking at her. I figured her problem was she was jealous of me, you know my good looks and all.

She said she didn’t think I suited the job, as I had no resume (whatever that is), but she was obliged to let me write an article. She warned me that the story had to include the 5 W’s of journalism: who, what, where, when and why.

I told her I wouldn’t have a problem with that as I was always firing questions at my Clem like –  who he was out with, and what he was doing that was more important than me, where he had been when I had been calling and why he didn’t answer.  This seemed like a simple assignment to me.  I began to write what I thought was the clincher to my getting the job.  You be the judge.

Who – Companies
What – Trim Corporate Fat
Where – Everywhere
When – Everyday
Why – To compete in the global market.

Sound familiar? I’m tired of this daily report in our newspapers. Do I need to hear this? I’m faced daily with my own doom and gloom statistics.

Who – Klara Kravitz
What – Trim Spandex Fat
Where – Everywhere
When – Everyday
Why – To compete in the local meat market.

Enough is Enough! I’m tired of dieting, pills, fat farms, exercising, and everything that goes with trying to stuff this size 18 into a beanpole size 12.

I see all the advertising. Who are they kidding? The last time I saw hips that size was when I measured one thigh. How about those slinky dresses with no back? I too, used to have a slender, unwrinkled back, just like those models, but as I grew older, I developed those gorgeous “love handles” now, I’m a little embarrassed to say,  known as “ski slopes”

How about exercise videos? I sit and watch those Skinny Minnies trying to convince me that exercise is good for me. All that jumping is bad for the eyesight! I do sit-ups and that is enough. Each morning around 3 a.m., I sit up, get out of bed and go piddle. The next time my body is conscious is when the alarm goes off and wrenches me up from a deep sleep. I then get dressed and take Cranky Cat for a walk.

I even tried pool fitness at the Y in town. I now know what six lashes with a wet noodle means. I took a round foam pole with me to keep me afloat, (they called it a noodle). This thing was a contortionist! If I sat on it, the thing buckled and came up between my legs, while pinning my head underwater. I was mugged, punched, and dumped by this thing. I wasn’t fit to do anything after that outing!

Enough is Enough!

Who – Klara Kravitz
What – Pitch the Spandex
Where – At the advertisers.
When – Immediately
Why – So I can binge at the local meat market.

And how was your day? Ms. Klara       p.s.  I didn’t get the job!