T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirrin Cranky Cat ate a mouse.
My girdle was hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas would notice it there.
Crabby Dog was nestled at the foot of the bed
While visions of doggy bones danced in his head.
And I in my jammies, and a whiskey night cap
Dreaming of Santa, snuggling up on my lap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I tripped over Cranky Cat
Who was now much, much flatter.
I tore open the window not a second to miss
I hoped I could catch Santa and blow him a kiss.
A bright moon was lighting the new-fallen snow
It looked like Santa was beginning to glow.
Like a bolt of lightening the reindeer they came
I tried to yell out at them and call them by name.
Hey, Masher, hey Stancer, hey Minnie and Vixens
I lifted my glass added more whiskey and mixins.
Get off of my roof cause you’ll surely fall,
Hit the road, fly away and don’t ever call.
They took off as I staggered and tried to stand up
Those stale cookies I ate were trying to come up.
So off of my rooftop the deer they did fly
Rudolph’s nose lifted up with not a goodbye
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
They had forgotten old Santa, oh gosh what a goof.
Crabby Dog growled beside me warnin he wasn’t shy
And there plopped Santa, did he know I was high?
He was a little old man with a beard that was thick
Now I knew why they call him Old Saint Nick.
His breathin belaboured, his feet he were a draggin
Crabby Dog was delighted, his tail was a waggin.
He was dressed all in red and a sloppy old hat
He could hardly move cause he was too fat.
I reached for my glasses and my whiskey as well
And just then Old Santa down the chimney he fell.
With a huge bag of goodies tied to his back
I told Crabby Dog – Santa wasn’t a snack.
He groaned as he brushed against our huge Christmas tree
And politely informed me he just had to pee.
He had a round face and a huge rotund belly
That was looser and floppier than any bowlful of jelly.
He came towards me, his lips held a smile
I could tell by his breath he hadn’t brushed for awhile.
How he came down that chimney without gettin stuck
Is a wonder to me, he was such a schmuck.
I said not a thing and drank from my glass
My speech it was slurrin, I let out some gas.
As he flew up the chimney, I got to thinkin
He must have discovered that I was a drinkin.
He yelled for the reindeer not to forget him that night
To come back there to get him and they could continue in flight.
I ran outside and raised my glassy eyes to the sky
Merry Christmas to all…hey can they really fly?
I turned to the tree and saw with delight
Presents for all of us, was I seein all right?
A dog bone for Dog, and Cat Nip for Cat
And a huge bottle of whiskey – wow, I could drink that.
I ran to the window and smiling out there
Was Santa, wavin his hair in the air.
Merry Christmas Ms. Klara he laughed with good cheer
Next year forget whiskey and just leave me a beer.
(aka Liz Underhill 2010)
Please share for a wee Christmas smile